Sunday, November 8, 2015

One hundred and two.

I love me some lists...

  1. I love how the story of our meeting is written out in the first verse of Mr. Jones.
  2. I love how if I were to author a book of our crazy journey, this would absolutely be the cover of  the book.
  3. I love how you were the chaser, and began chasing four months after we met, and due to unexpected out of state trip, waited five months and nine days between our first and second meetings.
  4. I love how when we met up back in July for the first time, the connection was just....there!  It seemed as if we had spent several months together and zero time apart.  Those few weeks of non-stop texting, phone calls, and FaceTime were a true blessing to establish the connection!
  5. I love how you actually DID bring me back Olive Shoes from Europe without even knowing your even realizing you did.  Oblivion is amazing.
  6. I love how the night you got home from Europe, you tried to guess the passcode on my new phone.  I told you if you would have thought about yourself for a moment, you would have had full access to my phone, instead, you locked us out of the phone.  Once again, oblivion is amazing.
    He's oblivious to a note written to him in the black
    behind him, and the photo being taken.
  7. I love how you have proclaimed that you are the brains and I'm the beauty/Princess of this operation.  (Unless, of course, you are sick, in which case, I also take on the role of the brains!)
  8. I love your smile, more than anything in this world.
  9. I love how you've seen me writing in each of my *ahem* seven *ahem* notebooks, and typing up, countless blog posts, but have asked zero times to ever read a single thing I've ever written. It's kind of weird to say that I love it, because I'd actually LOVE for you to read some of the stuff I've written.  Oh, and maybe now is the time to tell you I have a blog, and it has close to 40,000 views.  I kind of write...a lot.  Surprise! 
  10. I love the fact that even when you don't care about something, you still care about it.
  11. I love the fact that you dissed my singing, TO MY FACE, and then the next morning saved yourself by explaining a musical matrix to me.I love your face the most when you don't shave for a day or two.
  12. I love walking under the stars just holding your hand.
  13. I love how you make fun of my addiction to Forensic Files, yet, you will still watch it with me, Mister "C'mon!  I have to see who killed the guy!"
  14. I love "Good Morning" and "Sweet Dream" texts.
  15. I love our pajamas loungewear. 
  16. I love that one of my favorite memories is walking to 7-11 with you, in said loungewear.  All the weird looks.  And we didn't give a care in the world.
  17. I love watching you game.  Especially when you get REALLY into it!
  18. I love how your reasoning of refusal to teach me how to play guitar is that I will become better than you and steal your gigs, please excuse me whilst I die of laughter.
  19. I love that when I get angry, upset, sad, or depressed, you let me vent.  You hear what I have to say and you let me shout or cry it out.
  20. I love that we are perfect heights that when we are standing face to face, you can lean forward and kiss my forehead.
  21. I also love nose kisses.
  22. I LOVE that you don't, EVER!!!
  23. I love how you always stand up firmly for what you believe in.  It actually is a double edged sword, you're not one of those "cool kids" who follows the crowd with trends and beliefs.
  24. I love my white dress just about as much as you do.
  25. I love how we can text each other in song lyrics.
  26. I love how you always compliment how I look.  
  27. I love how one day recently you said "Wow! You look great today!  I mean, you always look great, but there's something different!"
  28. Swallowed In The Sea - Coldplay
  29. A Song For You - Donny Hathaway
  30. Bubbly - Colbie Calliat
  31. Thinking Out Loud - Ed Sheeran
  32. To Be With You - Mr. Big
  33. More Than Words - Extreme
  34. Footloose - Kenny Loggins
  35. More Than A Feeling - Boston
  36. Lost Without You - Hanson
  37. Until You - Dave Barnes
  38. Mr. Jones - Counting Crows
  39. Just The Way You Are - Bruno Mars
  40. Hold On I'm Comin' - Sam And Dave
  41. Under The Moon - MIB
  42. GDFR - Flo Rida
  43. God Gave Me You - Dave Barnes
  44. Every Word I Say - Hanson
  45. What My Baby Don't Know - MIB
  46. 99 Red Balloons - Nena
  47. Roller Coaster Love - Hanson
  48. Cuddling up on you while you game.
  49. Letting me wear your headphones and mic while you game.
  50. When you drive.
  51. Playing with the back of your hair.
  52. When you play with my hair.
  53. Holding hands.
  54. Back massages that are like....WOAH!
  55. You realize how much I hate mornings, and don't hold it against me...therefore...
  56. Waking up to coffee and a mimosa in bed!
  57. Random dance parties.
  58. It's great fun when our musical stars align and a song comes on we both adore, and we can have a major jam session together.
  59. It's great to find the unexpected beautiful when in your presence. 
  60. Oh Lord, won't you buy me, a Mercedes Benz?
  61. You owe me a Range Rover now.
  62. The faces you make when you play guitar.  This includes you playing around being goofy and when you're playing a full band set.
  63. You have no idea how chirpy it makes me feel to know that you do not snore.  The Angels above sing loudly in praise! 
  64. The fact that you prefer me sans makeup is the best thing ever.
  65. I still have the photo booth pictures of the night we met.  I actually look at those four photos daily and they always make me smile and laugh.
  66. Singing.  I love that you sing.  I know, you do it for a living, however, the first night we hung out, you sang for me.  If we wind up somewhere with karaoke, there his a fairly high chance I can get you up there to sing!
  67. I love when you sing karaoke, you're always Matty B!
  68. I like how we both have our own personal interests that other doesn't even comprehend.
  69. I dislike the the way you become aloof at times.  However, I became aloof at times as well.
  70. I dislike how you aren't the best at apologizing.  I mean, you DO apologize, but you don't go all out and apologize when all is said and done.
  71. I don't understand how some days you can be the most romantic man in the world, while the next day you can be the most distant man in the world.
  72. I don't understand why you started changing the lyrics to track number nine from your album.
  73. The text I got on Wednesday, November 4th at 12:08am broke my heart.  
  74. I dislike how you can't fall asleep with the TV on.
  75. I like how we can agree to disagree on so many things.
  76. I like love your new found love of scarves on me.  
  77. I like how we are so different, but in the end, could talk endlessly.
  78. I like how the both of us are the perfect mixtures of pessimist, optimist, and realist all in one.  Each characteristic comes in at the perfect timing.
  79. I like how I'm the OCD planner, while you are just go with the flow.
  80. I love how you've allowed me to cry on your shoulder, and then dried and kissed my tears away.
  81. I love knowing that we both artistically inclined, and would love to collaborate with you eventually.
  82. I love how you dream, and dream big!
  83. I love how you've been there and seen it all before, or so you claim.  However, the world is endless, there is always so much more to see and learn.  
  84. I love that I will always have a cigarette to ignite your cigar.
  85. I love what you said to Ash about me in Germany.
    Skype date.
    At least you looked good!
  86. I would take another 30 days of being apart just for the same airport reenactment. It was absolute perfection.
  87. I was extremely nervous the day you came home.  More nervous than I'd ever been.  What if you didn't like the new haircut in person?  What if I looked completely different than you remembered?  I was full of butterflies!
  88. When you held me close and kissed me longingly, all felt right in the world, and all of the butterflies disappeared.
  89. THIS is one of my favorite pictures of us.  
  90. I also love how on my birthday, you only took ONE bite of my cake, and let me eat the rest, where on your birthday, I ate....well...a LOT of yours!
  91. I like how you like surprises, to the point of not being embarrassed, where as I hate surprises.
  92. I like how you understand what I'm going through medically, and emotionally support me in the best ways you know how to.
  93. I love that you will walk me out to my car and kiss me goodbye whenever we part ways.  Regardless!
  94. I love and hate, how it is impossible for me to be angry with you.  I just can't stay upset with you.
  95. I can't wait to watch Star Wars with you.  (Like, ALL of them, because I haven't seen any of them.)
  96. I still want to know how in the world to make that breaded Mac-n-cheese!  I'll totally make it, just not with Easy Mac!
  97. I love laying my legs in your lap.  I love it even more that you allow it regardless of how hot it is outside.
  98. I love that you will kiss me, regardless of whose around.
  99. I love how I can lay my head on your shoulder and you don't mind.
  100. I love your brown hat, even if it is far too big for my head!
  101. I love that the both of us are not made from stone.
  102. I love that it's been 102 days since that first night with you.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

You have so many relationships in this life....

When I first met him, 255 days go, neither one of us had any idea what would come in the future.  It was 159 (well, technically, 158, because of midnight and now I'm just being technical.) days until we laid eyes on each other (in person) again.  

These past 96 days have been nothing but blissfully wonderful every single time we are talking, texting, or together.  

We have one of the most unconventional of relationships, which for some odd reason is working for us, as I've never been in a relationship quite like this before.

You are the brains, I'm the beauty.  (Or the Princess, as you put it the other day!)  The only exception to this rule was when you got the stomach bug last week, when you were convinced you were dying, refused Gatorade and crackers, and continued "dying" for another 24 hours until you took my advice and BOOM!  Better you felt!  Also, isn't the BRAT diet amazing as well?

There is absolutely no way of telling what the future holds for he and myself.  Right now, I feel like he is my Georgia Tennessee.  

I feel like I could chase him for the rest of my life.  I feel like I've already welcomed him to the roller coaster ride.  When it comes to him, he's already helped me get through when everything in my life came unglued.

I don't (ever) want to let him go when I'm holding him, and surely don't want to lose him slowly, or at all.

I just want to let you know, that it's only just a little back and forth lately.

Never take a chance alone
I'll follow your lead.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

The Feels

The last time I composed an actual THOUGHT out, worth while post, was on September 22nd, a mere seven days after sweet Matthew left for Europe.  At that time, I also sent that post to him, via e-mail.  
The other night, the contents of this post came up in conversation, and he looked at me blankly, or like someone whose inbox contains a mere, 2,500 unread e-mails, give or take a hundred.
I really should NOT place all the blame at his feet, seeing as any time I send him an e-mail, I TELL him to check his e-mail, but given the circumstances of the previous week, it had completely crossed my mind to even mention it to him.

I sat there in silence as he read the e-mail on his phone.  My eyes were just glued on him.  I watched the cute little smirks arise on his face at the appropriate moments when sarcasm arose.  (Ahem, the moments of such somebody can't fall asleep with the television on!  Oh!  My!  God!  Seriously y'all, I think he'd rather give two year old sextuplets a round of antibiotics than fall asleep with the television on, it's just THAT BAD!)

When you finished reading the e-mail, that ONE, STUPID e-mail, that had been silently haunting me on the inside for a month, you quickly stood up, and pulled me into your arms.  You didn't care who was around us in that loud, crowded room.  You didn't care what was going on.  You held me.  You embraced me.  You let me cry silently on your shoulder.  You were kissing my hair, my cheek, and my neck.  You allowed me to have that ONE FINAL BREAKDOWN!  

I entered that stupid town of Breaktown, and I was hurting down to the core, per the usual, however, instead of being there for days, my pain didn't last for days.  My pain didn't even last for minutes.  In your arms, my pain only lasted for seconds.  

Oddly enough, for some reason, I just got sidetracked while typing this up and started reading old posts, and found this post, does number nineteen know where this is from?  I'd hope Matt does.  Well, if you know, you win a bag of gummy bears.  However, you must come to my house to claim them, and then you must fight me to get them, and you know how I am about my gummy bears.  You know, you might as well not even try, it's a war you aren't going to win, EVER!  Please don't try.

I know one day, probably here in the near future, I'll give Matt full access to this blogosphere world, which he currently hasn't gotten a clue about.  However, for now, this is my thank you for him.

Thank you for my new found strength.  Thank you for the small gestures that you have no clue are so meaningful in my life.  

Thank you for sending me this photo from Paris:
You have absolutely NO idea how happy it made my niece the next morning when I showed her the photo!  Upon picking her up from school that afternoon, she said "Aunt Janet!  I told ALL my friends at my school today that you're friend Matt was at the Eiffel Tower!  Can you believe KINDERGARTENERS don't know that the Eiffel Tower is in PARIS!?"  I must have had to show her this picture a dozen times since you've sent it to me.

About a week before you came back from Europe, I had mentioned to you on Skype that your hair was getting shaggy and needed a trimming.  Two days before you came home, the first text I sent you one morning was "Text me something happy."  Instantaneously, you responded with, "Just got a haircut."  I remember getting that text as I was driving home from a doctors appointment, and I quickly pulled over, typing in "Pictures, or it didn't happen!!!" To which you quickly sent me back this gem:
Is it horrible that I just now, like, 15 days later, realized that the sign said MATTHEW STREET?   I am a complete blonde sometimes.  Not all the time, but sometimes.  I just prefer your face over everything else around you.  And...wait, is that a REALLY, REALLY, REALLLLLLLY, pale, red headed, older lady, on a motorcycle?  Okay....maybe I really shouldn't be writing at 1:00 a.m.  You know what?  We'll just talk about all the crazy going on in this photograph later, because if I really examine it right now, it's going to become a "Where's Waldo" and I won't get a moment of sleep tonight!

You know what though?  You and I have had our little tiffs.  We aren't a "We."  However, when we ARE together, we always have a crazy good time.  We make memories that are irreplaceable, we have random dance parties, and we our lines of communication are open and run both way.  

We both have seen each other at multiple moods.  Happy, sad, hangry, frustrated, tired, healthy, sick, depressed.  The list goes on.  However, we still stand by each other.  For some, weird, strange reason, we're still sticking by each other.  

It still baffles of me, quite honestly, how this all came to be.  I mean, we met, and briefly spoke for a couple of nights, and then lost all communication for over FOUR MONTHS, and then, just out of nowhere, you came back into my life, at the beginning of the summer, right before I left for New York, and we spoke daily, when I needed you.  Once again, you picked me up, held me tight from a far distance, and made sure I was okay, from a distance.

I still remember the night I got home and we met up.  When you hugged me, you hugged me SO tightly, and the first thing you asked me was if I was doing alright.  

Right now, I'm fighting yet another battle.  I'm going into this 110% with my head held high, and being as strong as I can, as you know.  You asked me multiple times via text, and phone call Tuesday night if I was okay and if I was sure about my response.  When I saw you on Wednesday, you hugged me and kissed me, and made sure I was alright, first thing.

You always care.  You always hold me tightly in you arms, whether I'm at the top of the world or in one of my weaker moments.

It's the best feeling in the world.

Please, never let go of me.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Where did she go?

Have you noticed with me that I'll go through phases where I write a ton, and then I'll drop off the side of the proverbial Earth for a while?
If you haven't, it's all good.  However, I totally notice that I do.  
It's not that I just sit around on my couch and eat chocolate and drink wine all day.  (Okay, half of that statement is a lie.  M&M's are absolutely freaking delicious!)  (Also, I had wine and M&M's for my full and complete dinner tonight because, adulating is awesome!)
However, since falling off the proverbial Earth, into the proverbial ocean, I have been doing more than being a lazy bum.  

I've actually been writing.

Haha.  I hear all you crazy misfits (like myself!) laughing like crazy, saying that I haven't been writing because, I haven't been posting here anywhere near regularly.

Yes.  Yes.  I know.  Allow me to elaborate.

From where I sit now, (in my bed, not on my couch, AHA!) I can easily spot 13 notebooks, 2 iPads, an iPod, and 2 iPhones.  Obviously!  I have a lot of devices to write and record a MILLION and a half notes on, and please trust in me, each notebook and device of full of notes.  

I was out with a friend the other night and kept writing out and recording voice memos and she thought I was completely insane, however, when I got home and went back to my recordings, listened, and transcribed the recordings to paper, it was absolutely perfection.  Completely beautiful.

So, what have I written?

It's all stuff I'm not ready to share quite yet.  

I'm not quite sure with whom or when I'll want to share it, but, when I am ready, I will share it.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

And this is crazy!

Before you left for Europe, you had asked if I had a passport, and (playfully scolded me many times!) were shocked to find out that I did not have one!  You were even more shocked about my lack of a passport, seeing the majority of my extended family lives, oh, twenty minutes away from Canada.  

As it is no huge secret, in the roughly 300 hours since I've seen that gorgeous smile, and those eyes that light up my life, (in person!) life has been on a major downhill spiral.  Identity theft, a kitchen invaded by ants, hard time in the emergency room, doctors appointments, oh, and my engine blowing up on my 8 month old car!  

As you can tell, my life has been anything but splendid since you've left the plain and boring days of Texas, and the wild nights of cuddling up and watching Forensic Files.

Shambles.  My life is in freaking shambles right now.  I don't even think shambles would even be a proper way to describe it, however, that is the only adjective that is coming to mind at the moment.

I feel as if I have taken a huge piece of glass, and thrown it on the ground and let it shatter into a million little pieces and that is currently my life.  I'm staring at the millions of little pieces of glass wondering what to do next.  Where to go next.  What is miserably going to fail within the next 6,400 hours before you arrive back home.  Until our lips reconnect, and all feels semi-normal in the world again.

However, I'm damn tired of being furiously miserable, and trust me, as the VERY independent woman I am, it's not just because you are gone.

At this moment, I feel depressed.  I feel weak.  At the same time, I feel strong as hell!  I feel empowered, and I feel like I can fly.

I feel like I can do anything right now.

I'm going to be brave.  

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

From Me To You

In the past week, you've flown over Toledo, had a quick stint Toronto, and undoubtedly, found yourself in somewhere the middle of nowhere.

In the past week, I've had my identity stolen, have had an engine blow up while driving my car, and have done some hard time in the emergency room.

It is amazing how two people can have weeks that are vastly different. Two people that usually spend quite a bit of time together, yet, have spent the past week apart.

Surely, your week involved a plethora of adventure, music, and of course, beer!

Whilst, my week was full of blood, sweat, and way too many tears!

It feels quite horrid that my main support system over this past week has been an ocean of tears.

Although the tightrope is thin, and I could possibly win, I’m strongly considering taking the walk and going for it all, even though I may possibly fall.

You’ve seen the good.  You’ve seen the bad.  You’ve seen my happy.  You’ve also seen my sad.

My mind is in a jumble.  Thoughts needing a release. 

We’ve both loved and we’ve both lost.  We’ve both been there before.  We’ve both experienced all that love crap.

The night before you left, you asked my why I liked you.  You quizzed me on your favorite color: yellow.  Your middle name: Benjamin.  You also got back to asking me why I liked you, because you are a, self proclaimed “jerk.”

A jerk doesn’t tell me that I look beautiful on days when I’m feeling as though a ton of marshmallows fell on me.

A jerk doesn’t allow me to put my legs on his, while we are sitting outside, on a one hundred degree day.

A jerk doesn’t tell me the next day about how I “attempted” to sing, and then covered it up by describing a musical matrix, with a very long, drawn out explanation, that, quite honestly, went right over my head, yet sounded insanely romantic by description meaning that I actually DIDN’T suck, too badly at singing.  

A jerk doesn’t sing karaoke, or allow me to pick songs for you at your gigs, just by gibing you the ‘big lip!’

A jerk doesn’t undoubtably walk me to my car and kiss me goodnight, every single time.

A jerk doesn’t swing dance and tango in the parking lot with me.  Nor does he break out in random dance parities with me.  (Side note:  Random dance parties are the best thing in the world, and really should happen more often in life!)

A jerk does not give the most amazing back massages in the world!

A jerk wouldn’t agree to go see Hanson.

However much of a “jerk” you are, I am not perfect either.  You know my middle name is Lynn, my favorite color is purple, the handful of songs that automatically bring a smile to my face, and the my favorite band.

You accept me for who I am, always.  You don’t see me as an illness.

You’ve come to love my addiction of Forensic Files and you will gladly watch it with me, unless you are trying to fall asleep, because somebody cannot fall asleep with the television on.  

 You listen to me intently when I speak.  When you ask how my day was, you look me in the eyes, and devote your full intention to listening and soaking in the information I am providing,

You make me laugh so easily.  You’re hilarious natural personality is a very charming attribute.

You have a mind that is incredibly sexy.  I don’t even know quite how to articulate this.  You’re incredibly knowledgeable, in which seems to be, any and every topic, and I find that insanely sexy.  

You let me sit on your lap when we are out in public, and let me run my fingers through the back of your hair, in which, I adore the feeling of.

You take me to a place sexually that is only able to be described as a state of ecstasy.  It’s completely unbelievable, each time, leaving me coming back for me.  You take me to a place I’ve never known.

You inspire me.  (No, I’m still going to continue eating meat!  Chicken and Double Cheeseburgers are waaaay too delicious to quit!)

You make me want to smile more often, something I’ve just become doing in the past two months or so.  I’ve also been writing more frequently, and I’ve noticed that my social anxiety and diminished drastically.

You’ve made me want to be a better person.

A healthier person.

A better Janet, all around.

You make me smile.

You make me Bubbly.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Blank Space

You know how to make me smile
You know what makes me tic
The way your lips feel against my skin
It's an epiphany, a memory trip.

You're always playing so cool
Obeying every rule
The way your hand fits perfectly in mine
Flirtation, play, fantasy, love
Baby, you're all mine

Yet, you don't know who I am
Treat me some way cruel
As that is what I am doing to you
Use me up, darlin'
Play me like you do

This game was made for us
We'll play each other for a fool
Heads I win, tails you lose
Game.  Set.  Match.

Blood will flow red
Holes shall crack
No sticks, nor stones
Only lofts and Crowns.

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